Draco Malfoy and the Story of Potter
by SomaRandoma
Summary: Draco, Goyle, and the ghost of Crabbe are in prison following the events of the Deathly Hallows. Goyle, with the prompting of an unseen adversary, asks Draco for the story of Harry Potter. NoSlash planned, Mostly Cannon. Rating may change.
1. Book One

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, J.K. Rowlin does. Any mistakes in Draco's retelling of Harry Potter's adventures should be attributed to Draco not remembering it correctly, having a skewed perceptive, or me being too lazy to look it up and pretending it's one of those. Artistic license and all that.

It started out with a whisper from the shadows, nothing more. It would have sounded like Imperio, if any was near enough to hear. As it was, Draco, Goyle, and the Ghost of Crabbe didn't hear a thing, deep in their own thoughts as they were.

"Boss, why exactly did Potter win?" Goyle asked.

Slightly stunned by the breach of silence, Draco snapped "How many times have I told you fools this? And for that matter, why the hell are you still haunting me Crabbe? Haunt Potter, it's his bloody fault!"

A moment of silence stretched out, Goyle and somehow the ghost of Crabbe looked constipated, but were merely thinking, and as Draco knew best, weren't very good at it. Good help was so hard to find.

Another whisper, this time Draco turned towards a shadowed corner, a window near by with bars and tattered drapes which started fluttering in the breeze. He saw nothing, and with a shiver from the cold night, adjusted his tattered robes and crossed his arms to try and hold the cold at bay. He thought it must just be the wind- He was interpreted in his musing by Goyle, stuttering coward that he is, muttering "B-b-ut you haven't ever told us the whole story, from the begriming..."

"You were there for most of it you bloody moron. Just how many times were you dropped on your head as a child!?" Draco snapped.

The Ghost of Crabbe chuckled and was stopped by a glare from Draco, and the plain and truthful statement, "You're no better, I'd say you're worse, Goyle didn't manage to get himself killed"

With that sobering thought they all were quiet for a few moments, until Goyle finally thought up an answer- "You never told us everything though, did you? You always kept things close in, right?"

Draco looked to him with a thoughtful expression. Meanwhile, the ghost of Crabbe nodded, who had become even more silent, after his death. Which he thought, with a small smirk, made the dunce almost entirely a mute.

"Okay fine, I'll tell you the full story, not like there's anything else to do in this hellhole, but only once" Crabbe and Goyle looked at him with frowns, Draco, knowing that the idiots were hopelessly stupid, and had little chance of remembering it all, mused out loud "I'd tell you to write it down if I thought either of you numbskulls could read."

He took a deep breath and blew it out. He hated divulging secrets unless they hurt his enemies; with a small smile he remembered taunting Scarface about his Dogfather's assumed betrayal of his parents. Potter may have saved his life, not that he'd ever admit it mind you- but he didn't particularly stand up for them during their trial.

He noticed Crabbe and Goyle were staring at him like he was a cupcake, with glazed expressions hopelessly focused on him. Crabbe was drooling a little on top of that.

"I didn't know ghosts drooled, but hopefully they can wipe their mouths, disgusting." Draco drawled, thinking there are purebloods and then there are Purebloods.

While both were wiping their mouths with their ripped dirty robe sleeves, he began, knowing he kept the gits waiting enough and it was truly loosing it's amusement.

"The first time I met him, I thought he was just some poor smuck, clothes that could have been made for one of you fat lumps, even though he was as scrawny as a house elf. We were both getting fitted for robes, and I, in my role as heir to a noble pureblood line, indulged what I thought a peasant in idle chitchat" Draco didn't say that he was a little nervous about Hogwarts and thought the pauper would make him less nervous by comparison. Purebloods are too noble to let nerves show.

"What'd you say" Goyle said, disgustingly enraptured already.

"If you keep interrupting me this will take bloody forever" He thought out loud, while thinking, at least it'll hold the boredom away longer.

He continued, "We'll, obviously I started with his blood. He barely stuttered that they were a witch and wizard, though I didn't entirely believe him. He was dressed like a muggle, looked like a pauper, but at least he was cowed enough to sense my superiority. We talked about houses of course, and even he seemed to agree, that Hufflepuff is absolutely abysmal."

Dumb and Dumber- Don't look at me like that, mudbloods have called them that often enough for it to catch on, I'd never be caught dead in a muggle cinema- looked agape with shock.

With another smirk- this was proving to be pretty fun- "What, you thought golden boy loved all houses but ours? Even he knew Hufflepuff is the house of rejects."

Almost a ten seconds later Crabbe and Goyle laughed, and Draco added "After that, I met back up with Father to finish school shopping, nothing much of interest there, of course other than getting a highly warded trunk in a little known dealer in Knockturn Alley."

Crabbe and Goyle sobered up, and Draco laughed harshly, remembering fondly catching them, more than once, with their arms covered in painful blisters from trying to snoop or steal from it.

"Moving on, the weeks flew by with Occlumency training and learning a few useful hexes now that I had a wand, and before I knew it I was on platform 9 1/3 and-" "Wait, how did you learn hexes, what about the trace?" Goyle interrupted

Staring at him like the moron he is, he slapped his forehead, and told him "The trace is for mudbloods. As long as you live in a proper Wizarding home with wards against spying, or have an untraceable wand, you can cast spells all you want."

Both stared at him stunned, and Draco thought, far from the first time, they are truly stupid.

"As I was saying, before I was so stupidly interrupted" Another scathing glare at Goyle, "Father pulled me aside to be a Slytherin and befriend Potter"

More gaping glances, but he ignored them, "It didn't work though. I saw him with the bloodtraitor Weasel and I graciously offered Potter a chance to introduce him to quality Wizards like myself. He rejected me. Of course I was furious, but more than that, I was glad, I wouldn't have to pretend to like the-boy-who-got-lucky."

"The sorting went as I thought mostly. The stupid hat sang some bollocks about the houses being equal, Dumbledore acted insane, everything my Father warned me of. "

"Other than the bucktoothed beaver and that coward Longbottom making Gryffindor, the hat has little taste- it should have sent her to the kitchens and him to Hufflepuff- but at least it knew _my_ worth, the hat barely touched my head before it absolutely knew I was a true Slytherin." He added with a grin.

A thought popped into his head, "Although there was one thing I didn't expect, Potter took forever. Probably should have known, of course The-Boy-Who-Had-Light-Shinning-Out-His-Arse had to make everyone wait ten minutes to eat just to decide what everyone already suspected. That he's yet another foolhardy Gryffindor."

"Potter aside, the feast was substandard-" Crabbe and Goyle looked mutinous "- don't look at me like that, you gluttons would eat anything" Reluctant nods "And that I definitely had to check out the forbidden forest, and possibly the third floor corridor"

Draco heard some disgusting noises of slurrping, looking at the ghost of Crabbe, he shook his head and asked "You had a sandwich in your pocket when you died? And why would a ghost need to eat?" Crabbe was looking in shame, Goyle with obvious hunger- they didn't get fed that well here and it was taking a tole on him. Crabbe muttered, with his mouth full of ghostly goop, "The story of the feast made me hungry.." Shaking his head, Draco moved on.

"Of course, as you both _should_ remember if you weren't, to quote Snape, Dunderheads, adjusting to living with others in a dungeon was a great adjustment, and with you fools snoring I quickly learned the Silencio charm." He looked at them with a glare, since he didn't have a wand and was once again forced into sleeping in the same room as them again, and they meekly muttered "Sorry boss"

"The night before potions, Snape gave us a brief speech on potion brewing in general as well as some tips he supposedly developed himself, not that it helped you buffoons, and the cryptic hint that we' would greatly enjoy the first lesson" He finished with a fond smirk.

"As he claimed, it was a most entertaining lesson, he berated Potter, quizzed the dunce and Potter had a temper tantrum! I thought I was going to crack a rib from trying not to laugh, but I'm no Gryffindor that wears his heart on his sleeve, I held off" He said with grave dignity.

"Flying lessons were, of course, abysmal, the flying instructor, obviously a carpet muncher, and I don't mean flying carpets, dared to try and correct my grip. Later, as you should remember-" He was interrupted by laughter muffled by their robe sleeves, "Wow, you actually remember what happened?" He asked, truly surprised. With their nods, he continued, "Well, as you know Longbottom forgot pigs can't fly and spectacularly crashed."

With a true smile on his face for a few moments, that fell flat as he said "Of course, apparently Potter could, barely, and managed to catch Longbottom's Remembrall after I threw it. I still can't believe they rewarded him for that! Hogwarts was truly a disgrace." He shook his head.

"I tried goading Potter into a duel in the trophy room, and tipped Flitch off that he'd be there. Unfortunetly, if he got into trouble, I didn't hear about it."

"Eventually, on the night of the 24th of September-" With a shiver he thought `I'll never forget that date` he continued "I snuck out of Hogwarts and ventured out into the forbidden forest. You two gits were too chicken if I recall correctly." He gave them a harsh glare, and they rightfully wilted under it- serves them right.

"It was nice and peaceful, for a while. In fact, it was starting to get dreadfully boring after an hour or two of exploring and I was turning around to head back, when out of no where a transformed Werewolf, knowing that my blood is pure, decided I was a delicacy and decided to try for a bite or two. I wasn't having any of _that_, I quickly stunned him and headed back to the castle without any problems." Draco finished.

Noticing that neither seemed content, fidgeting and reluctant to probe further, he let out in a great rush- "Okay fine! I almost got bitten or killed, ended up bruised and bloody, my robes in tatters and got saved by a condescending half-breed of a centaur!"

Crabbe and Goyle seemed content to let it rest at that, thank the bloody gods, he hated admitting failure, but knew that they had seen him come back to the common room, though at the time they were too timid to ask.

Wishing for a Firewhiskey, he continued "Halloween started out great. The rumor going around that the blood-traitor insulted Granger warmed my heart; I thought there might be hope for him after all."

"At the feast a troll was supposedly in the dungeons, according to the utterly useless Quirrell. I swear, if that really was the Dark Lord in disguise, or possessing him or whatever, I would have thought he'd be too proud to pretend to be a timid weakling, though at least it was a clever ruse."

"Of course, I pretended to be frightened, exaggerating other's fear, though no one seemed to get the joke" Slightly peeved that he was lying, he quickly moved on, "The Headmaster, showing how stupid, or possibly insane he was, instructed everyone to go to their common rooms." Crabbe and Goyle, looking at each other, obviously confused, Draco added with some malice for their stupidity "Slytherin 's common room is in the dungeons, where the troll supposedly was."

"Thankfully our prefect wasn't _quite_ as stupid, and we all hid out in an unused, cramped classroom. It would have been far smarter to have had everyone stay in the Great Hall, with some of the slightly competent teachers staying to protect us, but Dumbledore is a true Gryffindor, act first and think later." He said with distain.

"Later Potter _claims_ to have slain the troll along with the Weasel, while protecting the mudbloods who thought just because you live in the library you can do anything. If you ask me, the troll probably just was having a nap and they pretended to defeat it, Potter was always seeking attention for himself."

"In the first Quidditch match of the year, Potter showed how inept he was by near completely loosing control of his broom. After loosing myself in laughter, he managed to catch the snitch somehow. I was of course furious; he obviously cheated somehow, though when I heard he almost choked to death, nearly swallowing it brightened my mood considerably."

"Nothing much happened till Christmas, got in some taunting with Potter which was always nice of course. I went home for Christmas, both looking foreword to a decent meal and happy that Potter would be stuck at Hogwarts for Christmas. Father gave me the gift I asked for as well, a very nice silver dagger, enchanted to be ever-sharp, ever-polished, self-cleaning and unbreakable. He was very approving of my choice of a Christmas gift, and told me that it was always good to have a spare weapon. He even hired a tutor for a couple days proficient in knife fighting" He omitted the reason _why_ he wanted a silver dagger of course, but the oafs wouldn't think to ask about that.

"After the holidays, I, eventually figuring out that for some reason Potter befriended the oaf Hagrid, I started tailing him to Hagrid's shabby shack."

"Nothing much came from it till I discovered the giant idiot hatching a dragon in his _wooden_ shack. I quickly left- with Dumbledore's hatred of Slytherin it'd be just my luck to be blamed when it burned down. Surprisingly, it didn't happen, I was content to wait, thinking it only a matter of time, but Potter and the weasel decided to sneak the Dragon to the Astronomy tower, apparently to be flown away. I got the gits a detention, but were my efforts rewarded? No, of course not, not by the catbrained Gryffindor Mcgonagall, I got a detention too!" He finished with fury clear on his face, Goyle and Crabbe backing up a step and muttering that it was unfair.

"Detention was insane, I was forced to do the oaf's job and find some hurt unicorn in the bloody forbidden forest! I was outraged, I knew first hand how dangerous it was, and that idiot Flitch mocked me when I stated there were Werewolves in there! I had the silver dagger strapped to my ankle, but still! Who would think to send first years into a dangerous forest with only idiotic Gryffindors and a giant oaf armed with a muggle weapon!?" He had worked himself up into a temper- still angry, and added with a struggling smile "Of course, scaring that idiot Longbottom made it almost worth it, and relieved the tension a bit."

"After I was forced to pair up with Potter after Longbottom, too terrified to throw a curse sent up red sparks. Potter was at least better than Longbottom. We found the dead Unicorn, and something eating it. Potter made a foolish stand, that or he was scared senseless, while I ran the hell away." Crabbe and Goyle looked quizzically and he yelled "What? We didn't know who or what that thing was! Besides, I was hoping it'd eat that buffoon next!" WIth muttered "Sorry's", he finished "But apparently not as he regrettably survived."

"The last month of the school year apparently Potter and his mudblood and bloodtraitor friends went to the forbidden third floor corridor. With all the different rumors flying around I didn't know what to believe, I did notice Potter wasn't around and when I heard he was in the Hospital wing after doing something else heroically stupid apparently, I swear he'd do anything for a bit of fame. I tried sneaking in to taunt him, but the harpy _Pomfrey_ barred me.

"At the end of the year feast, we were vastly ahead of the inferior houses, before, in a show of blatant favoritism, Gryffindors got rewarded for their blind courage and stupidity with the house cup."

"During the summer, I got Dumbledore version of what Potter supposedly did, when he told the school's governors and Father told me what he said. Apparently, Quirrell was really an agent of the Dark Lord's, and was trying to get the Sorcerer's Stone. If I had known it was at Hogwarts I would have gotten it myself. Potter, wanting to show off, instead of telling the teachers, confronted Quirrell near the stone, barely managed to survive, and murdered Quirrell somehow."

"I asked why he didn't go to trial for it, but Father told me Dumbledore was protecting him unfortunately. He saw my disappointment, and told me that it wouldn't be a problem for long, though he wouldn't tell me why." Noticing that Goyle and Crabbe were starting to snore, and wondering why the ghost of Crabbe even needed sleep, he went to his cot and went to bed, wishing again that he had a wand for a silencing spell.


	2. Omake 1: The Short Version

Disclaimer: All Gallons go to J.K Rowlin, Harry Potter, and vastly more important, Draco Malfoy, belongs to her.

This was the original inspiration for this book (which I plan on continuing to and past book 7). On a Reddit thread on /r/explainlikeIAmA, /u/ScenicFrost asked "Explain the plot of Harry Potter from Draco Malfoy's perspective like you're Draco Malfoy and I'm Crabbe and Goyle". I posted the following as /u/SomeRandomRedditor. The response and requests for more made the decision for me to expand.

How many times have I told you fools this? And why the hell are you still haunting me Crabbe? Haunt Potter, it's his bloody fault!

Oh fine, I'll tell you the story of first year, but this is the last time, I'd tell you to write it down if I thought either of you numbskulls could read.

Scar face came to Hogwarts, met a bucktoothed mudblood and a poor blood traitor, barely stumbled through classes. Arrogant little git was always fun to annoy, but through friends and luck managed to come out on top, if we went through with that duel- but that's neither here nor there.

Ole catbrain took pity on the poor orphan and gave him a spot on the team, and even more pity they let him win.

During Halloween they came across the troll, who obviously was passed out, and managed to get Dumb old dork to believe they defeated it. As if scarface, a blood traitor, and a mudblood could defeat a paper bag, much less a troll!

Are you paying attention!? Where the hell did you get a translucent muffin Crabbe? Even in death you have to pig out!? Did you want to listen to this or not?

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, eventually the Hairy Pothead managed to defeat querrel through luck and chance, nothing more. A Chocolate frog card and happening upon the one mudblood that would figure out and connect who Nicolous Flamel is and why it matters? A bumbling oaf, who, to no ones surprise, reveals Fluffy's weakness? Luck and chance, nothing more, if Potter didn't have his Mum's precious sacrifice he would have died and the mudbloods and blood traitors would be dead, but no, I'm stuck in Azkaban with you fools.


End file.
